These are not my jokes but ones that I have used as a musician and entertainer for the past sixty years. Many are from that great Irish comedian, DAVE ALLEN. I draw in some respects from my partial Irish heritage from that great city of CORK, which is funnily close to the famed BLARNEY CASTLE.
Maureen's Wedding Dress
Maureen lives in a small Irish Village and goes to see the priest just before her marriage.
"Father what colour dress should I wear when I get married to Liam on Saturday?"
"Well Maureen my child, if you have been a good and decent young girl, as I believe you have been, then you can wear a white dress. If, on the other hand you have not been good, then, shame on you you will have to wear blue."
Maureen walk away with her smile on her face. The priest calls after her.
"Maureen what colour dress will you be wearing then?"
"Oh, it will be a white dress father." Then under her breath she says,
"Yes it will be white but, with little blue spots all over it."
Doctor it hurts to touch.
A young lady with light, straw coloured hair (political correctness) goes to see her doctor.
"Doctor it hurts every time I put my finger here, and here and here."
she points to several places on her body.
The doctor then presses all the same spots and asks.
"Does it hurt when I press there?"
"No doctor it doesn't , what's the problem?"
"My dear, you have a broken finger."
A Duck goes into a Bar
A duck waddles into a bar and jumps up onto a bar stool. The slightly bemused bartender ask him what he would like to drink. The duck says "I would like a bowl of Borscht" The bartender angrily tells him, "This is a bar and we do not serve food." The duck leaves but comes in the next day and again asks for a bowl of borscht.
The bartender angrily tells the duck that if he comes in once more and asks for borscht he will get some two inch nails and nail the duck's feet to the floor. The duck leaves but comes in the next day and jumps up on the barstool. The bartender angrily asks what he wants, the duck says. "do you have any nails?"
The confused bartender says,
"no of course I don't have any nails.
The duck then says.
"OK. in that case can I'll have a bowl of borscht?"
The Guinness Tragedy
The manager of the Guiness brewery sadly informs an old lady that her dear husband has tragically drowned by falling into a vat of Guinness.
The old lady, smiles sadly and says that she expected that would happen one day, but hopes that it was a quick death.
The manger says sadly, it wasn't that quick, as her husband got out of the vat three times to have a pee.
YOU DRINK TOO MUCH
Two old friends drinking at a bar, one notices his buddy's hand is shaking wildly.
"Wow Joe, you really must drink a lot , look at how your hand shakes."
"No Fred, I don't drink that much, to be honest, I spill most of it."