These are not my jokes but ones that I have used as a musician and entertainer for the past sixty years. Many are from that great Irish comedian, DAVE ALLEN. I draw in some respects from my partial Irish heritage from that great city of CORK, which is funnily close to the famed BLARNEY CASTLE.
A cowboy goes into a saloon
A cowboy goes into a saloon and asks, "I have a question?" A drunk at the bar turns to him nastily and says.
"In this saloon pardner, we shoot first and then we ask questions." The cowboy pauses for a second then draws his six gun and shoots the drunk in the leg. Then the cowboy says,
"I'm sorry, can you give me directions to the railway station please?"
The Nun who got out of the wrong side of the bed.
A nun gets up one morning and walks to the dining room, as she does another nun, laughingly, says,
"Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?"
This happens several more times as the nun walks to breakfast.
Finally, the mother superior says sternly,
"Well, who got out of bed-"
But before she can finish the exasperated nun says,
"I am sick of hearing this, I DID NOT get out of the wrong side of the bed today."
The mother superior looks down at the nun's feet and says,
"Well how come you are wearing the bishop's
slippers."
The Healthy Irishman
The government of Ireland wanted to reward its citizens who maintained a healthy lifestyle and didn't become a burden on the health system. They sent inspectors to find healthy Irishmen and write them a cheque for 10,000 Euros.
Sean O' Toole applied.
"I see on the form that you claim you have never smoked, yet it looks like nictotine stains on your hands?
"Oh! No sur, that's wood stain, My brother Liam and I are staining the back deck."
"Also you claim you never touch alcohol and yet as I came in I saw the dustbin full of empty whiskey bottles?"
Oh! no sur, that's my brother Liam, he's an alcoholic."
"And you also claim you run 5 miles a day, and yet you had a problem walking to the door when I came?
Oh! no sur, It's just the cold weather has me a wee bit stiff."
Ok, Sean I am just about to give you the money, but one last question, I see you did once need medical help for a mental health problem , what was that?"
Oh! Just a minor problem, the psychiatrist diagnosed me as a compulsive bloody liar!"
A Sack of Hedgehogs
Two drunken Irishman outside a pub, one is carrying a small sack.
"What 'yer got in the sack Michael? Asks one.
"Hedgehogs," he replies.
" if I can guess how many you have in there would you give me one?"
" I'll do better than that Sean, if you guess right, I will give you BOTH of them.
Drunk with a Penguin on a string.
A drunk is staggering down the road with Penguin on a piece of string. A policeman stops him and says.
"That's a Penguin you can't just walk it down the street- take it to the zoo at once!" The drunk staggers off in the direction of the zoo. Next day the drunk is back on the street, still with the Penguin on a string. The police man angrily stops him again and says.
"I told you to take that Penguin to the zoo."
" I did Officer, and he just he loved it, now I'm taking him to the library."
Maureen's Wedding Dress
Maureen lives in a small Irish Village and goes to see the priest just before her marriage.
"Father what colour dress should I wear when I get married to Liam on Saturday?"
"Well Maureen my child, if you have been a good and decent young girl, as I believe you have been, then you can wear a white dress. If, on the other hand you have not been good, then, shame on you you will have to wear blue."
Maureen walk away with her smile on her face. The priest calls after her.
"Maureen what colour dress will you be wearing then?"
"Oh, it will be a white dress father." Then under her breath she says,
"Yes it will be white but, with little blue spots all over it."
Doctor it hurts to touch.
A young lady with light, straw coloured hair (political correctness) goes to see her doctor.
"Doctor it hurts every time I put my finger here, and here and here."
she points to several places on her body.
The doctor then presses all the same spots and asks.
"Does it hurt when I press there?"
"No doctor it doesn't , what's the problem?"
"My dear, you have a broken finger."
A Duck goes into a Bar
A duck waddles into a bar and jumps up onto a bar stool. The slightly bemused bartender ask him what he would like to drink. The duck says "I would like a bowl of Borscht" The bartender angrily tells him, "This is a bar and we do not serve food." The duck leaves but comes in the next day and again asks for a bowl of borscht.
The bartender angrily tells the duck that if he comes in once more and asks for borscht he will get some two inch nails and nail the duck's feet to the floor. The duck leaves but comes in the next day and jumps up on the barstool. The bartender angrily asks what he wants, the duck says. "Do you have any nails?"
The confused bartender says,
"No of course I don't have any nails.
The duck then says.
"OK. in that case, I'll have a bowl of borscht?"
The Guinness Tragedy
The manager of the Guiness brewery informs an old lady that her dear husband Sean, nearly drowned by falling into a vat of Guinness.
The old lady, smiles and says that she expected that would happen one day, she adds that someone must have pulled him out in time.
The manager says , no Sean got himself out, THREE times, and TWICE to have a pee.
YOU DRINK TOO MUCH
Two old friends drinking at a bar, one notices his buddy's hand is shaking wildly.
"Wow Joe, you really must drink a lot , look at how your hand shakes."
"No Fred, I don't drink that much, to be honest, I spill most of it."